Our team gets to walk in sacred, tender, intimate spaces with people in blended families. In that capacity we hear amazing, inspirational stories of redemption, healing, and integration for families born after loss. We also hear heartbreaking stories of dysfunction, schisms, and forsaking. The hardest stories to hear are the ones in which one person is experiencing some form of domestic abuse, made even more egregious when leaders tell people God would rather victims endure an unsafe, harmful relationship than separate. Our hearts ache for the person in such situations; our anger burns at leaders who compound abuse with advice incompatible with the character and nature of our Heavenly Father.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and we're going to take a moment to talk about it from a biblical perspective. According to the National Domestic Violence hotline, over 1 in 3 women (35.6%) and 1 in 4 men (28.5%) in the US have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. And, almost half of all women and men in the US have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime (48.4% and 48.8%, respectively). Although those statistics dip when we filter the population to those who say they are Christians, it's still occurring. As a matter of fact, the first friend of mine who was a victim of domestic abuse was someone I met at church, whose husband was venerated for how much time he spent in the prayer room. Unfortunately, she was not the last. One person being abused in any way is one person too many.
For the sake of understanding, abuse is not limited to physical violence; it doesn't always come with visible scars or bruises. Abuse can take many forms, all of which are damaging. The good news is that freedom from abuse is possible, and the path to healing is illuminated by truth and courage.
Domestic abuse among Christians can be a silent, insidious force, weaving its way into relationships, leaving victims trapped in fear, shame, and confusion. It's time to shatter the silence. If you or someone you love is experiencing domestic abuse, know that you are not alone. God’s Word speaks hope and freedom over your life, and there are practical steps you can take, or help others take, to recognize signs of abuse and break free.
Types of Domestic Abuse
When people hear "domestic abuse," they often think of physical violence. Abuse is not always as overt as a bruise or a black eye. Any violation of your autonomy is abuse and that comes in many forms, often leaving its victims unsure if what they are experiencing qualifies as “abuse.” Below are the most common types of domestic abuse, with descriptions of what that behavior may include:
Physical Abuse
This is the most visible form of abuse. Physical abuse includes hitting, slapping, choking, pushing, using objects to cause harm, or any form of physical violence. It may also involve the destruction of property or harming pets to intimidate the victim.
Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is more subtle than physical abuse but equally harmful. It attacks a person’s self-worth through insults, belittling, and constant criticism. The abuser may use humiliation, guilt, or fear to control the victim. Emotional abuse causes the victim to believe they are worthless or undeserving of love and respect, leaving deep emotional wounds.
Psychological Abuse
Psychological abuse includes manipulative behaviors such as gaslighting, which is a tactic used to make the victim doubt their perception of reality. The abuser may lie, distort the truth, or make the victim feel confused, anxious, or as though they are "crazy" for questioning the abuser's actions.
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse in a relationship occurs when one partner forces or coerces the other into unwanted sexual activities. Consent is crucial, even in marriage. Any sexual activity without consent, or using sex as a weapon of control, is considered abuse.
Consent is crucial, even in marriage.
Financial Abuse
Financial abuse happens when one partner controls all the money, limits the other’s access to financial resources, or sabotages their ability to work. It traps victims in financial dependence, where they feel they cannot leave the abuser.
Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse occurs when religion, or Scripture, is used to manipulate, control, or justify controlling behavior. This could involve twisting God’s Word to demand submission or creating a sense of guilt or fear about leaving the relationship.
Recognizing Signs of Abuse
Abuse often begins subtly and escalates over time, making it hard to recognize at first. It is even more difficult to recognize when love and commitment blur the lines, or when abuse is preceded by a period of love-bombing (love-bombing is defined as a manipulative tactic that involves showering someone with excessive affection and attention in the early stages of a relationship in order to gain trust, access, and, eventually, control). It is not uncommon for abusers to employ multiple types of abuse to control their victims. Below are some key warning signs that indicate you, or someone you know, may be in an abusive relationship:
Physical signs: Unexplained injuries, bruises, or cuts, with suspicious frequency. Or having a partner who is overly controlling of where you go and who you see.
Emotional signs: Feeling worthless, belittled, silenced, walking on eggshells to avoid conflict, or being constantly criticized by your partner.
Psychological signs: Feeling confused or consistently doubting your memory or perception because your partner insists something didn’t happen the way you remember.
Sexual signs: Feeling coerced or forced into sexual activity that makes you uncomfortable or that you didn’t consent to.
Financial signs: Having no access to money, being prevented from getting a job, or being forced to account for every penny spent.
Spiritual signs: Feeling guilted or manipulated by biblical teachings or being told that leaving would be a sin or that God wants you to stay and suffer for the sake of the relationship.
Physical violence, of any kind, is an easily identifiable sign of abuse. If you are unsure whether any other type of abuse is present in your relationship, or the relationship of someone you know, you can use the above to look for patterns of behavior. You can also reveal the dynamics of your relationship to an objective observer like a therapist, or your doctor, to help you assess what you're experiencing.
What Does the Bible Say About Abuse?
God’s design for relationships is based on love, respect, and mutual care. Abuse is a distortion of that design. The Bible makes it clear that God is against oppression and violence:
Ephesians 5:25 (NIV) commands:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Abuse is the antithesis of Ephesians 5:25. Christ's love is patient, kind, sacrificial and protective, never harmful, demeaning, or controlling. Abuse, in any form, is a violation of the love that God intends for His people.
Psalm 11:5 (NIV) says:
“The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion.”
God is not indifferent to violence or abuse, no matter who the abuser may be. He opposes all forms of violence, including those that happen behind closed doors in our homes. He cares deeply about the dignity of every individual and desires for His children to live in peace and safety.
Isaiah 61:1 (NIV) declares:
“He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.”
God’s heart is for freedom and healing, not for people to remain trapped in abuse.
Practical Steps to Breaking Free
Breaking free from domestic abuse is incredibly difficult, but with God’s strength and the support of others, it is possible. Here are some practical steps to take if you or someone you know is in an abusive situation:
Acknowledge the Reality
Denial is one of the biggest obstacles to overcoming abuse. It’s painful to admit that someone you love is harming you. However, acknowledging the reality of the situation is the first step toward freedom.
Reach Out for Help
Do not suffer in silence. Isolation is a key weapon the enemy places in an abuser's arsenal. Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, pastor, or professional counselor who can provide support and guidance. Having a support system strengthens your ability to break free. Ecclesiastes 4:12 reminds us:
“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
Create a Safety Plan
If you are in immediate danger, prioritize your physical safety. Identify a safe place to go, pack an emergency bag with essentials like important documents, medications, and some cash, hide it where you can get to it quickly, and have a way to contact someone who can help in an emergency (maybe a burner phone purchased from a gas station).
Document the Abuse
Keep a written record of incidents, including dates and details of the abuse. Take photos of injuries and store this information in a safe place, away from the house, in a safety deposit box or with a trusted friend or family member, if you can. This documentation may be useful if legal action becomes necessary.
Set Boundaries
Whether or not you are ready to leave the relationship, begin to set firm boundaries with your abuser. This may mean leaving the home, cutting off communication, or getting a restraining order. Boundaries protect you and signal to your abuser that their behavior will no longer be tolerated.
Seek Professional Help
Abuse leaves deep emotional wounds that often require professional help to heal. A counselor or therapist trained in trauma can help you process the pain, rebuild your self-esteem, and guide you toward healthy relationships in the future.
Trust in God’s Strength and Guidance
Breaking free from abuse is overwhelming, but, again, you are not alone. God promises to be with you and strengthen you every step of the way. He is with you through the hardest battles and He will never leave you. Isaiah 41:10 encourages us:
“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Find Healing and Freedom in Christ
Escaping domestic abuse is the beginning of a journey toward healing. It takes time to rebuild your life and heal from the trauma, but God is a healer, and it is not beyond His ability (or desire) to redeem everyone involved. In Christ, every victim of abuse can reclaim their identity as a beloved child of God, whole and valued. 2 Corinthians 5:17 promises:
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”
God is a safe place of refuge and restoration. He sees your pain, He values your life, and He is ready to carry you into a future of hope and wholeness. 1 Peter 5:10 is an astounding declaration of God's personal involvement in our healing:
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”
If you are currently trapped in an abusive relationship or know someone who is, remember: you are worthy of love, you are not alone, and you are not powerless. There is help, and there is hope. Take the courageous steps to break free, and trust that God Himself will guide you into freedom, healing, and restoration.
Psalm 46:1 (NIV): “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
If you need help determining whether or not abuse is present, or with developing an escape plan, please reach out to your local domestic violence shelter, a therapist, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
God bless you and keep you.
Good Evening Cheryl,
My name is Germaine. I loved your article on domestic violence.
However 1 Peter 5:10 Stung. Can we unpack this verse a little more? It appears on the “surface” you must suffer (domestic violence) a little while before God himself will perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.